I had every intention of posting a couple of entries last week. But I experienced a major depressive episode that almost got the best of me. This is my first time really writing about my depression on social media. It’s not something I’ve ever felt comfortable discussing with others, let alone sharing on such a public platform. But after struggling in silence, I realized that keeping it bottled up inside was only making things worse. It was time to break the silence and speak out. Plus, it’s part of the reason I started this blog to begin with.
I’ll admit, it’s scary as hell to post about this. I was afraid of being judged, of being labeled as weak or attention-seeking. But as I began to write, I felt a weight lifting off my shoulders. It was like the words were finally giving shape to the jumbled mess of emotions that had been swirling inside me for so long.
As I hit the “post” button, my nerves almost made me keep this in the drafts. Would anyone really care? Would anyone respond? Would anyone understand? As I sit here, staring at my computer screen, my heart is pounding so hard that it feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and remind myself why I’m doing this.
I was ashamed, embarrassed, and scared of what others would think of me if they found out. I didn’t want to be seen as weak or broken. So, I put on a brave face, smiled, and pretended that everything was okay, even when I was barely holding on. But the truth is, everything was not okay. I was struggling, and it was affecting every aspect of my life. I couldn’t concentrate at work, my relationships were suffering, and I felt like I was losing myself. There are so many misconceptions about depression. That’s it’s just feeling sad. But it’s so much deeper than that. It’s emptiness. It’s numbness. It’s no desire to do anything. Not eat. Not talk. Not move. Literally, there is no desire to do anything. It’s draining. It’s exhausting. It’s even worse when it feels like there’s no way to escape the darkness.
It wasn’t until I started opening up to a few close friends that I realized that there is a certain power in being vulnerable. When I finally admitted that I was struggling, that I needed help, something shifted. I felt lighter, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And even though it was scary as hell to be so vulnerable, to admit that I wasn’t as strong as I wanted everyone to believe, it was also incredibly freeing.
Gradually, I came to understand that the people I love and who love me didn’t want me to deceive them with false positivity. Instead, they wanted me to open up and share my pain with them. They wanted to be there for me, giving me their backing and assistance when things got hard. Today, I am taking a step on the path to recovery by revealing my battle with depression online. It is disconcerting, yet also liberating. By being open and honest, I am allowing myself to be vulnerable, genuine and to accept my imperfections. I want to break the silence and stigma around mental health. I want others who are struggling to know that they are not alone, that there is help available, and that it’s okay to ask for it.
It will be difficult to open up about the struggles I have faced. I expect some will take one look at me and judge me without understanding my situation. But others who have encountered similar difficulties will offer their empathy and support. My truth may divide opinions, but if it puts a spotlight on the issues of broken dreams and unfulfilled potential, then every word will be worth it. Through my journey, I’ve discovered that being open and genuine are not failings. They are essential for healing, development, and making meaningful connections. Therefore, I’m choosing to be brave and share my narrative with everyone. By doing so, I hope to eliminate the misconceptions of mental health issues while motivating others to do the same..
Category: Personal
Inkrement #4
Throughout our lives, we experience life events and traumas that are just too difficult and complex to process. I know that recently, I’ve found myself struggling to make sense and come to terms with what’s going on in my life. Lately, I’ve felt lost and alone and have no clue how I can possibly move forward. That’s usually when I turn to books for comfort and a sense of safety.
At first, I didn’t realize why I would find myself grabbing book after book. There were several times when I only wanted to spend my free time getting lost in these imaginary worlds. None of these people were real. Why did I find myself so invested in their wellbeing? Why did I become so attached to these characters? Then one day, it clicked. These fictional characters were helping me process my own emotions and feelings. I didn’t feel safe enough to do it in real life. So, I had to vicariously find healing and closure through someone else.
These imaginary people and worlds can provide a safe space for exploration and expression. They exist in their own little realm. And in that realm, they weren’t fictional. They were complex beings with their own backstories, lives, and hardships. We can put ourselves in their shoes and for a few hundred pages, live through their experiences, and in doing that, gain insight into our own lives.
As I started writing my own stories, I realized that creating characters that embodied my own struggles helped me process whatever I was going through. Writing became my outlet to express my fears, my anxieties, my anger, and my insecurities without judgment or ridicule. I could explore the darkest parts of myself through the eyes of my characters. I was able to explore all aspects of my experience in a safe and controlled way. Throughout my life, I believe that fiction truly helped me to work through my feelings and gain a deeper understanding of myself. When I read back over their stories, I am reminded of the progress I’ve made in my own life.
One book and movie that truly hits home for me is “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky. The main character, Charlie, hasn’t truly dealt with his best friend’s suicide or the abuse that he himself endured as a child. It was one of the first books I came across that had a genuine portrayal of mental health and the aftermath of trauma. I related heavily to Charlie because he was flawed. He made mistakes throughout the story and visibly struggled with his mental health. But it was through his imperfections that he became a more compelling and realistic character.
Another character that resonated with me was Katniss Everdeen in “The Hunger Games.” She initially volunteered for the games to save her sister’s life, but she inadvertently started a movement that became bigger than she could’ve ever imagined. Throughout her story, I witnessed her make some life-changing choices that I also would have made and some decisions that I can only hope I would have the courage to follow through with. Through Katniss, I saw that it was okay to be terrified, but we can’t let our fears get the best of us.
Fictional characters can be a powerful tool for healing. They provide a safe space for us to explore and express our emotions. They remind us that we are not alone in our struggles and that it’s okay to feel the way we do. They show us that even in the darkest of moments, there is hope for a brighter future. So, the next time you find yourself struggling to process your emotions, pick up a book or start writing your own story. You never know where the healing power of your imagination will take you.
Inkrement #3
“You your best thing.”
Toni Morrison – Beloved
Four simple words, but a power sentiment when you break it down.
In case you’re not familiar with Toni Morrison’s works, Beloved is about a former slave named Sethe who is literally and emotionally haunted by memories of the daughter that she decided would be better off dead than taken into slavery to experience the same horrors she escaped. Years later, a mysterious young woman who calls herself Beloved shows up at her door, who Sethe believes is her daughter reincarnated.
Heads up! Spoilers ahead if you haven’t read this captivating novel.
The book ends with Beloved disappearing after the neighborhood takes a stand to save Sethe from herself. Paul D comes to the home to find Sethe in bed, depressed and distraught over losing Beloved. She tells him that Beloved was her best thing. Paul D dismisses that statement and let her know “You your best thing, Sethe. You are.”
Novel-wise, this is one of the most significant lines to be spoken. Sethe’s wrapped up her identity in her children. However, at the book’s conclusion, all the children have left the house. Her sons ran away, Denver found her independence, and Beloved has vanished. With those four simple words, Sethe realized she doesn’t have to be defined by her trauma. She deserves love and forgiveness, but she needs to offer herself the grace to accept it. Life transcends being a former slave and mother. Those four brief words empowered Sethe to live for herself from this point forward.
This quote can also apply to our everyday lives. It serves as a reminder that it is okay to prioritize ourselves, to take care of ourselves, and to love ourselves so that we can continue being our own best things. It’s great to find love and bliss with our friends and family, but it is imperative to create our own happiness. Because once that relationship ends, whether by circumstances, choice, or force, you’ll only have yourself at the end of the day.
Today, this quote holds more relevance to me. At this turning point in my life, I must strive to truly be myself. To know myself. To value myself for who I am and who I can become. We all should.
What’s one of your favorite quotes? Please share in the comments where/who it’s from and why it’s memorable for you.
Inkrement #2
I’ve always been a person who prefers to be in situations that provide comfort and security. The thought of doing anything I’m not familiar with sends my anxiety into overdrive. I feel like I do better with situations when I know what to expect. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to realize that all my routines and the safety net of what I know of the world could actually be hindering me from truly living my best life.
Stepping outside of your comfort zone is nerve-wracking. It means tackling your fears head on. Exploring what’s considered uncharted territory for you and taking a risk you never saw yourself doing is scary as hell. But the benefits are absolutely worth the effort. When we take a step out our comfort zone, it’s a challenge to learn something new, experience something different, and acquire a bit more knowledge. It allows us to expand our beliefs, understand certain behaviors, and gets us a little closer to reaching our goals.
As I’m writing this, I realize that I’m attempting to give myself a pep talk as I prepare to tackle the next chapter of my life as a single mother. It’s a life that I never imagined or wanted for myself, but I’m coming to terms that you have to expect the unexpected. I’m embracing the unknown and seeing where it takes me. The opportunities are unlimited.
Minor Inkrements 