Inkrement #5

I had every intention of posting a couple of entries last week. But I experienced a major depressive episode that almost got the best of me. This is my first time really writing about my depression on social media. It’s not something I’ve ever felt comfortable discussing with others, let alone sharing on such a public platform. But after struggling in silence, I realized that keeping it bottled up inside was only making things worse. It was time to break the silence and speak out. Plus, it’s part of the reason I started this blog to begin with.

I’ll admit, it’s scary as hell to post about this. I was afraid of being judged, of being labeled as weak or attention-seeking. But as I began to write, I felt a weight lifting off my shoulders. It was like the words were finally giving shape to the jumbled mess of emotions that had been swirling inside me for so long.

As I hit the “post” button, my nerves almost made me keep this in the drafts. Would anyone really care? Would anyone respond? Would anyone understand? As I sit here, staring at my computer screen, my heart is pounding so hard that it feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and remind myself why I’m doing this.

I was ashamed, embarrassed, and scared of what others would think of me if they found out. I didn’t want to be seen as weak or broken. So, I put on a brave face, smiled, and pretended that everything was okay, even when I was barely holding on. But the truth is, everything was not okay. I was struggling, and it was affecting every aspect of my life. I couldn’t concentrate at work, my relationships were suffering, and I felt like I was losing myself. There are so many misconceptions about depression. That’s it’s just feeling sad. But it’s so much deeper than that. It’s emptiness. It’s numbness. It’s no desire to do anything. Not eat. Not talk. Not move. Literally, there is no desire to do anything. It’s draining. It’s exhausting. It’s even worse when it feels like there’s no way to escape the darkness.

It wasn’t until I started opening up to a few close friends that I realized that there is a certain power in being vulnerable. When I finally admitted that I was struggling, that I needed help, something shifted. I felt lighter, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And even though it was scary as hell to be so vulnerable, to admit that I wasn’t as strong as I wanted everyone to believe, it was also incredibly freeing.

Gradually, I came to understand that the people I love and who love me didn’t want me to deceive them with false positivity. Instead, they wanted me to open up and share my pain with them. They wanted to be there for me, giving me their backing and assistance when things got hard. Today, I am taking a step on the path to recovery by revealing my battle with depression online. It is disconcerting, yet also liberating. By being open and honest, I am allowing myself to be vulnerable, genuine and to accept my imperfections. I want to break the silence and stigma around mental health. I want others who are struggling to know that they are not alone, that there is help available, and that it’s okay to ask for it.

It will be difficult to open up about the struggles I have faced. I expect some will take one look at me and judge me without understanding my situation. But others who have encountered similar difficulties will offer their empathy and support. My truth may divide opinions, but if it puts a spotlight on the issues of broken dreams and unfulfilled potential, then every word will be worth it. Through my journey, I’ve discovered that being open and genuine are not failings. They are essential for healing, development, and making meaningful connections. Therefore, I’m choosing to be brave and share my narrative with everyone. By doing so, I hope to eliminate the misconceptions of mental health issues while motivating others to do the same..